Reaching The Surface

14 min readDec 15, 2020

I am more of a private person when it comes to my own mental health and clear flaws as a person. However, for once I can feel myself being on the right track. This piece really focuses on my mental health journey from the last 3 years and lessons I learned about myself.

I can imagine people viewing myself as a weak person after reading this or having a far different expectation of who I am. That is okay though. I am just glad to still be moving forward.

Mental health is an extremely important aspect in all our lives and it’s very hard to tell when someone is going through difficult times. I figured sharing some of my experience may help others be more open and for others to reach out towards those close to them. Just checking in can make a big difference.

Before I get into this, I want to say for all those who genuinely interacted with me during these years… thank you so much. Every little bit helped.

End of IMT

When IMT was disbanded, naturally I had many teams interested in interviewing me. What should have been a great beginning of a new journey ended up finally exposing some of my long term issues.

I did not have a lot of confidence in myself when IMT ended. The team went to worlds, we placed rather well for 3 of the 4 splits and yet I felt my contribution was not enough to warrant such high praise. I hold a high standard for myself and will judge myself rather harshly if I feel I do not meet them. Instead of using this to ignite a spark inside me, I more or less tore myself down. It is a natural choice for myself based on the family I grew up with and my previous experiences.

There were mostly two teams set on me by the end and I chose one. It was on-site. The players were very approachable. The problem? I had some massive imposter syndrome going on and a panic attack spawned. I had no control of logic, something I usually am good with. I chose to leave very early, before I signed anything, so it was easy for the team to find a replacement. I did not feel confident in forcing the situation in hopes it would become better since I didn’t want to screw over the team with an investment into myself. Not believing in myself started my entire mental downswing for the next 2 years.

The Worst Weeks of My Life

I came back home after a brief stint with the team and could not have felt any worse. I yet again self sabotaged myself. I believed that by going against my word that I blacklisted myself from ever being hired again in the scene. I hold my word to a high standard, maybe a lot higher than the usual person. If I say I will help or become committed, I mean it. It was just hard to keep my head on straight with all the negative thoughts flowing through.

Esports was and still is in a way everything to me. I haven’t found anything yet that holds my interest and makes sense to me. I am not a naturally passionate person either so finding these kinds of things are difficult. The fact I couldn’t control myself from leaving created great conflict inside of me and absolutely crushed me because of my history. I gave up on the idea of teaching math. It didn’t hold my interest nor did I feel comfortable doing it after my student teaching stint. That felt like 4 years wasted. So now here I am, again giving up on another career path that I invested time into and one I actually enjoyed doing.

No direction. No confidence. No support system. Eyes of disappointment. No longer able to see my reflection.

I couldn’t control my own thoughts at all. Regret, deep self hatred, no hope, alone. Am I even worth anything? I never felt like I was exceptionally good at anything. Even if others viewed my work as good, I would tell you it wasn’t.

What was there to look forward to? I tried imagining doing anything else besides esports and came up blank each time. I figured I would always sabotage myself on anything I enjoyed. It would simply be better to just not try. I decided I was destined for nothing.

And who even cared about me? No one ever checked up on my life. It was only me and my thoughts. So what was I pushing forward for if there was no one to share it with? Did I even have any impact on others’ lives or my own? My conclusion was no for both.

It tore me apart. All this build up over the years finally crashing down.

I laid down in bed, going over these thoughts for weeks. My heart rate was constantly elevated. Couldn’t sleep. No motivation to go anywhere or do anything. Honestly… I wish I was dead at this point. This wasn’t living. This was endless drowning.

While everyone continued forth, I fell off. All I wanted was someone to look over their shoulder to see if I was still there or not.

Team Liquid

I was lucky enough, after I’m not even sure how long, that Jarge randomly reached out to me about a possible position at TL. It was like a life raft being thrown out to me. I took the position not because I wanted to be on TL, but because I wanted to breathe a little and have something distract me from my current thoughts. If this never happened, I have no idea where I would be right now. Most likely my own thoughts would have consumed me, similar to my sister’s case.

The players were great, naturally. Talented, level headed, and motivated to win championships. I worked on giving feedback to Pobelter and doing anything Jarge asked for.

Working with a player directly was something I was new to, but I did my best or what I believed was my best at the time. Looking back, I could have done more and done it better. Regardless, the players were tearing it up on the rift and secured their first and I guess my first LCS championship. Funny thing is, I felt absolutely nothing from it. It felt sort of like IMT again where I couldn’t bring myself to be happy about my contributions still. While I was helping the team out, I made no progress on my mental state. I never tried correcting my root problems, only focusing on the team’s problems. It was history slowly repeating itself, the endless cycle.

Jarge decides to try something new and suddenly I have the LCS analyst job. I could have asked to be on-site, I could have pushed for myself to have a great opportunity and yet I didn’t once again because of all these suppressed issues showing up. The monsters came out again.

The team goes onto winning another LCS championship and then bowing out in groups for both MSI and worlds. A rather disappointing finish for both splits. While winning the 2nd LCS championship meant nothing to me again, losing in groups did. I am a competitive person and seeing what these guys worked hard for only to evaporate in front of them so quickly felt awful. I only placed blame on myself for not being good enough to help them reach their goals. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be on such a team with the issues I had and knew I wasn’t taking enough initiative on situations to make them have confidence in me. Naturally I get replaced by the analyst who just went 2nd at worlds.

I can imagine people thinking I had no care for the team’s performance or maybe drive to be better, but that would be much farther from the truth. I deeply care to help the players and those around me to grow, but my own thoughts constantly fought against me to do what I wanted to do. The fact I knew this was happening only further created frustration and self hate inside of me.

The Lapse Year

When Kayys replaced me, I had a few options laid to me. One of them I had a real shot at, but I almost essentially self-sabotaged myself in the interview and not selling myself as well as I could. It always felt like a constant battle with my own thoughts. My value of myself was far too low and didn’t recover much from my TL stint.

I did get to work on one team briefly. I was okay. I was making the same mistakes I did on TL though and knew it too. I had so much more in me to help that team. None of that matters though when I couldn’t even be in control of myself.

All these events kept reminding me of the same thing. I avoided becoming a teacher because I felt like I let the kids I taught during student teaching down and didn’t want to risk doing that to more. My logic was that if I was not good enough to help those around me then I should simply leave so they can have someone better.

Suddenly I am a free agent in the middle of the spring split and have no idea what to do. It basically felt like I was where I was after IMT ended. The difference however was I knew there would be no life raft. No job showing up for me to hold onto. Sink or swim finally.

I tried mustering some resolve to learn new skills to make myself more lucrative towards the future. I would get partially into them and then give up because I could not see the point in a hopeless future. Playing games brought little enjoyment to me. Wasting away whatever time I had for the day to end so I could continue the endless loop of being trapped in my own head.

No compass, lost in my mind.

What really hurt though, was realizing how little those I talked to and got to know in the esports world cared about me. I said this before, but I really had no support system. My family has never really been it. In fact, most would look down on me doing esports except surprisingly my dad and one uncle and aunt.

I have always lone wolfed it. It’s a common thing for many others. However, when being faced with a dire situation and realizing there isn’t another to lean on, even if a little, or no expectations to have a randomly caring message show up? It chipped away at me each day. When it became a prolonged period, it started the creation of thoughts of tragedy so I could feel something. Was I simply a passing piece in others lives and once the light was gone to be discarded away for another light source? This became very exhausting.

These thoughts and wasted days would draw out for 5 months. 5 months I won’t get back and felt like I was waiting out my days. The intensity was not as strong like after IMT, but instead a steady numbing experience.

No momentum, no health, no purpose, no love.

How Did I Start Climbing Out

If I persist, I shall achieve. If I regress, I shall climb back up.

These are words I wanted to stand by.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a sad, wasting away person. How can I have any confidence in myself when I look like this? I have seen and know where this road would lead if it kept going this way.

I did the only thing I felt compelled to do. Fitness.

I asked my friend Kyle for weight loss advice. He gave me his plan and I ran with it. I desperately wanted change, of any magnitude and direction. I wanted to create some momentum so I could finally find the light in the endless dark.

I started at 205 pounds, shown here.

I was able to lose 20 pounds in the second half of 2019. It was not easy. I faltered many times with my diet, with my exercise, but for once I could see some change in me in the mirror. The positive change helped me deal with those self-hating thoughts. I felt a little more confident and believed maybe I am not so hopeless. It’s crazy to think how such a little change can start an upswing.

Another thing which helped dull my mind from my thoughts was playing games with my friends. Yes, I felt playing games to be a waste and at times it felt like I was putting on an act of happiness. However, being able to interact with them prevented me from drifting too far down… long enough for myself to see some light yet again.

Finally, I didn’t have a lot of people who would message me. In fact, it was a very select few and not very often. However, there was one specific person who decided to randomly start messaging me in the beginning of the year (can’t remember exactly when) and did it consistently. I don’t know why they wanted to connect with me, but they showed genuine care. This meant the world to me honestly and love them for that. Especially since they had no clue what was going on with me.

These three simple changes helped ground me.

The second half of 2019, while still rough, was at least more bearable. Some progress was made.

FLY High

Going into worlds 2019, I wrote several detailed pieces on teams. It got attention and I presume is why FLY offered a small tryout for the academy analyst position. It felt like when Jarge reached out. My work looked good and here I was in esports again.

The beginning of the spring split was reminiscent of IMT and TL. It really worried me that I may slip back into the same cycle. Coronavirus somehow forced the issue onto me. Being remote wasn’t so bad with everyone being remote. More responsive to messages and more responsibilities set onto me. I was getting more involved in the process than I have on other teams. I was gaining confidence in myself because I felt like I was making an impact on others. I cannot tell you how necessary this was for me.

The academy season ended up not being as good as we wished and there are reasons for that. However, I was glad to assist the players more individually, help the team, and refine my core values to continue in life with. Values I always had, but never focused on.

There are also amazing people on FLY who are very positive and supportive beings. Not something I was too used to. That was a great change for me.

While all of this is happening, I was also still pushing forward in my fitness journey. I went on a hard cut diet to lose 20 pounds in just 2 months. I was so proud of myself being able to accomplish this and it’s why I posted it and continue to post about it so much on twitter. These are my most recent progress pictures.

I was also able to finally connect with more people. Real genuine connections. I never thought others would find me interesting or worth the time to talk to. Perhaps it was me finally being who I wanted to be and that showed.

Recapping My Thoughts

When I first left IMT, I was already a bit broken. It got much worse and felt like a perpetual cycle of darkness which I couldn’t find any light. If I tried climbing out, I would pull myself right back down.

However, what I realized during my lapse year was values I always wish to hold were being routinely ignored. I was never being myself nor had the confidence in being myself.

My own self judgement was a poison. I was tearing myself down every day, every hour, every minute. I did not accept slow progress or steps back for myself. I couldn’t pick myself back up to go another round for those around me after the dust settled. I rather avoid failing them again and let someone else support them.

My thoughts of others were also skewed so much that they placed me in my own black hole that prevented anyone from knowing about me or me knowing about them.

To say I don’t have these same thoughts would be a lie. They won’t leave after a short period of time, but I am progressively getting closer to the image I wish to see while also always reshaping to give something new to push towards.

What I value

Honesty and holding onto my integrity, no matter the situation.

Be straightforward and life won’t be so complicated. I hate playing games with others. I don’t care to pull others around. Teams and people have done that to me for absolutely no reason. I will absolutely never do this to those who approach me. Why waste others time, energy, and emotions.

2. Being a consistently good person

I don’t view myself with the greatest self-ambitions, but to be the best person possible for others is something worth aiming for.

3. Remain a constant force in those I care about

I realized how awful and long I felt about others not caring for me to not realize how little care I showcased to them. I don’t care if I don’t receive anything in return. No way to always know if someone is lost in the dark, but it’s possible to shine a light regardless. I failed doing this in the past, especially with a closed loved one. Not making that mistake again.

4. Always remain physically active, even if a little

My fitness journey means far more to me than being a simple way to stay healthy. It gave me that direction I desperately needed. The change that was occurring outside was also happening inside. Positive habits can have a strong effect on building momentum and sometimes it’s those habits that keep you sane.

So when you see me posting about fitness, it’s not just because I want to flex on anyone. It’s because I know what it did for me and maybe it can have a similar effect on others.

5. Regression is okay

It’s only natural. Learning to accept these situations is key. Sometimes the process is slower than you want it to be, but you will get there. Learning does not always happen in a day. You would think after being on teams for so long that I would get this sooner, but I never was good at actually properly dealing with it myself. It went on too long like this and finally I can say I am doing better with it.

The Good News

As shown by the announcement by the team, I have signed back onto the FLY org. I am aiming to help develop their academy team and scout out future NA prospects.

I want to do better by the NA scene, but my way. No bullshitting or talking up about making NA great again. I never cared much for social climbing nor making big noises about my plans. I have little self-greed. I thought at one point I wanted to become a more popular figure in the scene, but every time I tried I felt like I was pretending, putting on an act. It just wasn’t me. Whether I get credit for something publicly or not, who cares. I feel far better silently helping others and posting the occasional free content in my shared google drive.

Thanks to all who take the time to read all of this.

If you ever need that extra push, just hit me up. I know how important it’s to have someone to simply care. This goes towards anyone. I don’t really care if you don’t work in the scene or not. We are all in this together.

1st picture done by Chelsea Blodgett

2nd picture done by Pretty-Angel